Blind Spots
We all have them.
We have been gifted with memory. We carry the life we have lived within us. We can remember a lot of what has happened to us, journey into our past selves, and mine those memories, almost reliving them. This is a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because what we did and what has happened to us can help us avoid repeating unhealthy patterns and making the same old mistakes.
On the other hand, memories and the emotions generated when events are happening are stored in the body. We can get “triggered” when we experience something that reminds our brain of a past event and feel the same feelings of fear, abandonment, loss, or anxiety. Suddenly, we find ourselves in one place, but our minds and emotions are in the past, and a feeling of familiarity or dread comes over us,
Some folks handle this by distracting themselves. They will get into online gaming, or drinking, or drugs, sex, and rock and roll. OK…maybe we shouldn’t give up rock and roll just yet (or ever).
Wendy always took it very hard whenever she felt a friend was pulling away from her. She would wake in the night feeling tremendous anxiety and go over and over in her mind why this was happening. “I’d never do that to her!” she thought.
It never entered her mind that her feelings about friendships were different from those of other people. She could find zero reasons someone wouldn’t want to remain as close as she did. She racked her brain to try to figure out what she had done wrong. She analyzed the history of the friendship, trying to figure out where and when the tipping point happened.
Her therapist attempted to help her understand that there may be “seasons” of friendship and learn to let go when she needed to, but it just didn’t penetrate…. until she understood her triggers and abandonment fears, that is. Once she realized that her feelings of loss and anxiety stemmed more from her trauma-related abandonment fears caused by childhood experiences, she was able to let go and move forward to make new friends. She began to understand how, when she acted “clingy” in a relationship, she was actually starting the process of a self-fulfilling prophecy. The clingier she got, the more the other person seemed to pull away.
She began to understand that not all friendships stay stable across the lifespan and that situations may change, people may change, values may change, people meet new people, etc. When she truly understood that, her pain lifted.
She realized that she herself had also changed. She wasn’t the same person she was when she originally forged these friendships during her early thirties. She had changed her views both spiritually and politically. She spent many years on her education and forging a new career path. This took time away from the friendship as well.
Then, she had become disabled. She also no longer had the raising of young children in common like she and her friends did when they originally met. She had gotten remarried, and then she had moved to another state. That’s a lot of change, and it was almost like she was a completely different person.
She is now much more aware that her negative feelings were due to being triggered by past events and not what someone is “doing” to her in the present moment. Just having this awareness causes the anxiety and feelings of loss to dissipate much more quickly so she was able to move forward again. Awareness is key. It’s not that things are perfectly healed. This isn’t a one-and-done type of thing. Wendy still needs to notice and have awareness when she is feeling threatened within a friendship and remind herself of what she now understands.
Blind spots and awareness
We all have them. They are hard to see, even in the light of day. When another person points them out, ouch! Most of us become immediately defensive or begin to think about how the accuser does the same or similar things. And we might be right! How dare they point this out about me when they do the same thing! Unfortunately, this attitude keeps us stuck in patterns that don’t serve us. They don’t lead to living our best life…a life worth living!
According to Kirby Reutter, PhD, there are four “fields of awareness.”
Field 1. This includes information that others know about us, and we also know about ourselves.
Field 2. This one includes information that others know about us but that we don’t know about ourselves. (Wendy’s lack of knowledge that she can seem too sensitive regarding friendships, for instance).
Field 3. I like this one. This includes information that we know about ourselves but others don’t know about us. I’m often secretly glad that we can’t read each other’s minds!
Field 4. This includes information others don’t know about us and we don’t know about ourselves either!
Sometimes, it’s good just to have a check-in with ourselves. Do I have some blind spots? If so, would it help me heal and grow to acknowledge and accept these very human frailments?
One thing to note…boundaries come in all sizes and shapes. We do not have to tell others what we are thinking unless we want to. We don’t have to tell people what we believe or give our opinions. Our thoughts are ours and sometimes guarding them is a good thing. But becoming aware is key to uncovering the unhealthy patterns and behaviors we are using to get our needs met and find healthier ways so we can continue to grow.
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