The Bootstrap Myth

Don't You Need Somebody to Love You?

Let’s face it, we’re all up in our feelings right now. When I talk to people these days, no matter what side of politics they are on, they are experiencing anger and anxiety. This is a strange time in America, and we all need some resilience to get through it.

Resilience is the process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands (American Psychological Association: APA).

Huh.

I used to think that resilience was something we are born with. I thought that some of us are born with larger portions of this miraculous “thing” that helps us cope with the bad that happens to us. I felt sorry for those who didn’t receive as much as they needed for the struggles they faced. They didn’t grow through loss like those of us lucky enough to have arrived on Planet Earth with the amount needed for the paths we had to walk.

For a while, I even thought those paths were laid out before us by God, and we had no choice but to put on our heavy packs and hike those trials and trails…I thought everything was pre-planned and served an ultimate purpose. That way of thinking got turned on its head one too many times when I faced some horrible circumstances, including but not limited to those I caused myself..and I had to let that way of thinking go. I’m not even sure I have a belief about how “it all works” now, but I’m happy to remain in mystery.

Let’s talk about resilience, though. If it’s not something that’s poured out in measure during the gestational process, can we build it up in ourselves somehow? Yes? If so, how?

According to the APA there are many factors that build resilience, and these factors involve “behaviors, thoughts, and actions that anyone can learn.”

I’m thinking there may be more to it than that.

I used to think that once I became “well” again (after suffering from a decade of serious mental illness during the 1970s) I would remain completely well. Period. No more anxiety in my life, no more sadness, no more insecurities or abandonment fears within relationships, no more “triggers.”

I was wrong. I did heal from most of the worst of the symptoms I experienced. I healed from the profound grief of losing my brother and father to suicide. I stopped having panic attacks that lasted weeks at a time. I quit wanting to end my life. I became a happy, calm (mostly), capable (mostly) woman. I even went back to school and became a psychotherapist so I could help others.

But I still have some residual issues. I get anxious at times even though I haven’t had a panic attack in decades. I get sad sometimes without falling into depression. These emotions are part of the human experience and are there to help keep us safe…to cause us to “do” something…to make a change.

What are some of the ways we can build resilience within ourselves?

• Join a group. Make relationships with others (healthy others) a priority.

  • When I was in the midst of mental illness, I began attending a little church in my community in Los Angeles. I could barely get myself there on Sundays and sat at the very back near the door in case a panic attack set me fleeing. But there I met many wonderful, loving people. Healthy in-tact families. I saw modeled before me a way of life where people loved each other and lived “normal” lives…lives without chaos playing in the background. They weren’t perfect, but they brought calm and healing to my life. Church or not, there’s many groups out there for like-minded folk where we can meet people outside of the unhealthy groups we may have been attracted to.

• Make wellness a priority. One of the things I did during this time was to become more careful about what I consumed. I tuned out all violent television shows and read uplifting books…self-help or positive fiction. I cannot say I paid much attention to healthy eating. This was the 70s after all, and I was in my twenties. I was “healthy enough,” I thought. I’m much better at this now. These days the more I limit the news, the better I feel.

• Help other people. I still remember how I felt one day. The desire to stay in bed and hide under the covers was strong! A new friend had invited me over for a Top Ramen (we were all pinching pennies in those days) and to help her with a doll house she was building. I didn’t want to go. I carried depression with me like a heavy wool blanket sitting on top of my head. But I had heard somewhere that forcing yourself out and being with others was one of the keys to recovering. I went anyway. It wasn’t an instant fix…but as I kept focusing my mind on others, my depression began to lift.

• Accept change. There’s a concept in Dialectical Behavior Therapy called “radical acceptance.” I think of it as a key concept…one that helped me come out of the other side of mental illness above all others. When I would wake up and realize before getting out of bed that I was “still” depressed beyond words, I began to remind myself that this was just the way it is for this day and to keep going towards my recovery. I made that day the best I could with my limited resources, and if I woke the next day with no improvement, I accepted that. Getting upset and trying to fight these feelings is fruitless and makes them worse. We do fight…but not too hard. We don’t push away feelings. We accept them and then move incrementally forward.

• Seek help when we need it. I saw therapists during this time. No one had “the perfect answer” to my illness, but they supported me through it and gave me a place to truth tell with acceptance and validation. During my bouts of suicidal ideation, they kept me alive by checking in with me and encouraging me to hang in there.

I first learned about the difference between individualistic and collectivistic cultures years ago, but I never thought about it in terms of mental health, or that we could build a more collectivistic culture within our own relationship circles. America is a “pick yourself up by the bootstrap” kind of a place. I always believed that I was the only one who could make me better.

But became aware early on that remaining in unhealthy relationships (especially abusive ones) were detrimental to my mental health, but I didn’t think about the fact that being around loving, caring, supportive people could increase my mental health.

I’m reading a book by Soraya Chemaly titled, “The Resilience Myth.” She writes, “…but our resilience over time ultimately depends on looking outward and towards others; in the connections—intimate, familial, political, and societal—that we forge.” I agree. We need to remember that we are interdependent and we need to care for each other.

These types of behaviors help build resilience. We can all help ourselves more than we know. When you are feeling helpless amidst the onslaught of negative emotions, add some things that will help you not only endure it, but come out stronger.

If you enjoyed this article, please leave me a ♥️ or restack so that others may find it. What thoughts were you having while reading? Let’s have a conversation. Take good care of you.