Bad Boys in the Church Pews

Chapter 1 Section 5

That little word and all it means: Sanctification.

What About the “S” Word?

According to Webster’s dictionary, sanctification is “the state of being sanctified or the state of growing in the divine grace as a result of Christian commitment after baptism or conversion.” There is a progressive nature to sanctification. Bible Study Tools (online)  further states, “…sanctification is the growth in righteous attitudes and behavior [like] good deeds, godliness, Christ-likeness…”

Even those who do not follow Christianity understand what it means to grow into the best version of themselves and live according to the values that are important to them.

Remember, I was forty years old before I realized how skewed my view of men and relationships really was. So many things played into this including how I was raised; how I was treated by the men I chose, and a neglectful and alcoholic childhood. I became a Christian when I was twenty-four, but at that time I was seriously emotionally ill and in the throes of deep grief. I began attending church every time the doors were open and diligently studied my bible. This caused me to begin to heal, but it didn’t inoculate me or give me a deep understanding of relationships. These things are not taught from the pulpit and there were no Sunday School classes specifically for people like me (at least at the time). Eventually, I learned as God led and guided me into the truth, but it was through many errors and false starts that I got there.

Are we expecting too much from the wounded men around us too?

I got lucky (or the Lord was working overtime to get my attention). Even after the errors and false starts, I finally met and began casually dating a “normal” guy. I was forty years old and had finished raising two of my three children. I found myself not all that enthusiastic about a relationship.  At least at first. But my young teen son and my friends encouraged me to keep seeing him.

“Give the guy a chance, Mom,” said my son, who was usually cool towards men I dated.

Let’s face it. After failed marriages and relationships that only created deeper wounds, I was leery. Then I happened to pick up a book by Robin Norwood, written in 1985 titled, Women Who Love Too Much. This book hit me right between the eyes. If I could name a book that completely changed my life, this is the one. I saw myself on every page. For the first time I learned and understood why I was attracted to the wrong guys and why I wasn’t all that enthused about the great guy who was right in front of my face. Since then I’ve read a lot more and learned a lot more.

For the first time in any relationship of my life, I used my brain first instead of my feelings. I thought long and hard about committing to this man. Rather than allowing myself to be carried away by infatuation or fear of abandonment, I thought about who he was as a man and as a person. He had more character and depth than anyone I had ever met. That was over thirty years ago and we both know we made the best decisions of our lives when we said, “I do.”

In the following chapters, I’m going to attempt to cover a lot of ground. This is not a marriage manual, but I do have a chapter (chapter seven) on what to look for in a husband. This is not a book on singleness but I do have a chapter on being content to be single (at least for now). But one of the first things I want you to learn, is how to recognize a man who may not be ready for a healthy relationship because he is still far from healthy himself. Let’s talk about some bad boyfriends.

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